Friday, 31 August 2012

Loneliness is a place without you

I am thinking a lot about unrequited love and not just because of the research for the show but because of where I am at. It's been a rare occurrance over the last few years for me to find someone who makes such an impact and leaves such a lasting impression but there it is.

It's an uncomfortable thing to discuss (in fact it is a hard thing for me to even write), I suppose that is why it is so isolating. No-one wants to hear how sad you are, how much you yearn for someone who does not/cannot love you back. No-one wants to be reminded of how it feels to be rejected. After they've given the usual platitudes of "Their loss" and "You deserve better", or the like, what else is there for them to say? It is not a problem they can solve and those are not the words I want to hear, so, I haven't really been talking about it. I've been keeping this pain from my closest friends.

The worst thing is that I find it makes me question myself, my worth, my place in the world. To be rejected, or simply not noticed, by the person you most want to be close to can lead to a rise in self-doubt and self-loathing. Clearly, (they think) you aren't good enough for them... and the fact that I feel this way and have these thoughts makes me like myself even less (deeply helpful). I like to think of myself as independent, capable and self-sufficient. I do not define myself through the presence of another, but I don't want to be alone forever either.

As I have mentioned many, many times I am not opposed to spending time alone but missing someone specific and being separated from the people/person I love provides a particularly intense sensation of loneliness. This ache accentuates the solitude. It's a sharp sting, a keen longing that permeates everything and no-one else can help me. It's just one of those annoying things that takes a long time and a lot of heartache. It WILL get better (or so I keep telling myself). It did the last time, and the time before, and the time before that...

Thursday, 30 August 2012

New publicity shot?

Today I am back in the rehearsal room. Playing with tapes... thinking about originals and copies, about mix tapes and long distance love, about sound quality and hours spent alone in my bedroom as a teenager.

I'm also thinking something like this might make quite a nice publicity image for the show. What do you think?

Thursday, 2 August 2012

My One And Only?

So I've been talking to a couple of people about the state of the arts recently; about the fragility of local government funding and venues within larger organisations with differing agendas none of which bodes well for the future of regional arts.

People have also been talking to me about the ethics of public money paying our wages when the public don't want most of what we do. Especially when it is being held up by the government as an either/or option. I mean really, who is going to choose art over hospitals or emergency services? I wouldn't.

And now I feel... Pretty depressed. No, not just depressed, scared. I'm afraid that after waiting so long to do this I have left it too late - by about a decade. The moment has passed. The optimism is gone. The money pot has dried up.

OK, so funding is not a right. I accept this. I don't need to make buckets of money. And in fact I never really wanted to. I would be happy to just cover my bills and have a little spending money (which, let's face it, I would mostly spend on going to the theatre and socialising with my theatre mates). And the lack of it shouldn't stop me from making work. I hope it won't but with no funding to support making the work and fewer and fewer venues it's starting to look pretty bleak.

Because the thing is I am alone. This isn't just a device for the show. Unlike many who make theatre I do not have a supportive partner at home bringing in a second wage, rich parents, my own home or any kind of external financial support structure... And I begin to wonder if I am a fool to even think about trying to do this at this time. It's a pretty terrifying thought, if I am honest.

Will this show be my one and only?